How to Increase Arousal When You're Tired or Stressed

Even when the stresses of life leave you feeling drained (and not in the fun way), you deserve to enjoy a satisfying love life! Fatigue and stress are common libido killers, but the good news is that simple shifts in your mindset and routine can make a meaningful, positive impact. In this article, we’ll explore the science behind why it’s more difficult to feel arousal when stressed, and cover some no-pressure strategies on how to reignite desire when you’re running low on energy.

Why arousal feels harder when you’re tired or stressed

Stress + exhaustion can reduce libido

If you’ve ever felt guilty that sex has been the furthest thing from your mind when you’ve had a lot on your plate, not only is it completely normal to feel that way, but low libido is actually quite common among people who are stressed, and it doesn’t necessarily mean that there is anything wrong with you. (That said, it can be worth seeking professional support from a doctor or therapist to address underlying hormone imbalances, anxiety issues, and anything else you’re worried about for your peace of mind.)

Stress and exhaustion trigger the release of a hormone called cortisol, which suppresses sex hormones like testosterone and estrogen, and your desire plummets right along with them. When your nervous system feels threatened, it enters ‘fight or flight’ mode and prioritises survival over pleasure, diverting resources away from sexual function and towards dealing with the threat, which involves keeping your muscles tensed and your mind on high alert. This is why even if you want to feel aroused, it can feel like your body just won't cooperate, because your brain is convincing your body that you’re not in a situation where it’s safe to be or get in the mood.

The fight or flight response is the body’s way of helping you confront or escape from dangerous situations, which was vital to our ancient ancestors’ survival. However, in modern life, your nervous system might perceive ‘threats’ in the form of tight deadlines at work, worrying about money, or tension in your relationships.

But it’s not all doom and gloom, now that we understand the science behind this connection, you can feel empowered to take meaningful action and rekindle your passion by working with your body, not against it!

Quick reset: how to shift your body into ‘yes mode’ in 5–10 minutes

To shift your nervous system from a fight-or-flight response to a more relaxed state, your brain and body need to register signals that indicate it is safe to relax. You can cultivate both a physical and mental sense of safety with mindfulness techniques and making a conscientious effort to physically calm yourself via simple grounding exercises like:

Breathe deeply

The 4-7-8 breathing technique is a form of rhythmic breathing that acts as a natural tranquiliser for the nervous system and is designed to reduce anxiety, especially in high-stress situations or when you’re trying to get to sleep. The long, slow exhale helps to lower blood pressure, reduce heart rate, and alleviate anxiety to promote a state of deep relaxation. Here’s how to do it:

1. Inhale for a count of 4 seconds
2. Hold your breath for 7 seconds
3. Exhale completely for 8 seconds
   

Repeat the cycle 3–4 times, and try practising twice a day to see even better results over longer periods of time.

Unclench & release physical tension

Prone to stress headaches? One of the major contributing factors is the subconscious tightening of muscles in the neck, shoulders, and jaw that happens when you’re in fight-or-flight mode, leading to that sore, stiff feeling often associated with sitting down at a desk for long periods of time. If your stress is chronic, you might not even realise that this is what your muscles are doing because you’ve become so used to it and have forgotten what it’s like not to be tense! Try taking a moment to really feel what your body is doing and focus specifically on the following actions:

• Separate your upper and bottom teeth to unclench your jaw. You can also use your fingers to gently massage the sides of your face under your cheekbones with your mouth open for best results, let your mouth fall open or let your jaw go slack rather than engaging your jaw muscles further to hold your mouth open.
• Drop your shoulders slowly until they are at rest without being bunched up tight around your ears. Then lift them back up and roll them backwards and forwards 5–10 times in each direction.
• Gently roll your neck in slow, controlled circles, taking care not to let the natural weight of your head propel you too quickly or roughly through the motion. Go clockwise 3–5 times, then counter-clockwise the same number of times, taking care to keep your movements smooth and fluid with no sudden jerks.

(If you have any underlying neck or spinal conditions, circular neck motions may increase stress in these areas, so talk to your doctor to see if there are any alternative neck exercises they recommend for stress reduction.)

Try warm-up touches with no goals and no pressure

Whether you’re with a partner or on your own, non-sexual touch can help to relax your body and your mind by shifting the focus away from sex to other forms of meaningful touch, such as cuddling, kissing, or massages, which can bridge the gap and relieve the pressure to have sex/masturbate and ‘perform’. Instead, these intentional, gentle physical acts increase feelings of safety, foster trust, and build emotionally closer connections by removing pressure to ‘perform’ or go through the motions and focusing on purely calming sensations in a respectful, consensual manner. You can try:

• Hugging yourself or your partner for 20 seconds
• Back-to-back contact while sitting up or lying on your side, either with your back to your partner’s or a large soft object like a long pillow or an oversized plush toy
• Exploring the texture of your skin in non-sexual areas like the arm, back of the hand, top of the feet, or face
• Sensate focus this is a sex therapy technique for couples that builds mindful awareness of touch to improve physical intimacy by helping you let go of expectations and judgements about sex. Take turns touching the other person non-sexually without them reciprocating for at least 5 minutes. This encourages them to fully focus on receiving the touch, absorbing it, and processing it properly.
• Breathe in sync with your partner to increase feelings of safety and harmony, or in solo situations, you can sync your breathing to music or a guided mindful breathing video of your choice.

Low-effort arousal boosters you can try tonight

If you’re tired but want sex, tips like these can help you recover enough energy or reduce the amount of effort you need to put in to make it happen.

Massage + slow touch

This can be a great way to enjoy sensate focus with a partner as you can revel in feeling good without worrying about having to respond and return the touch immediately. We recommend adding something sumptuous and slippery from Sexyland’s range of massage oils, which are an easy way to enhance and elevate the sensations while still maintaining an effortless, pressure-free vibe.

Use lubricant as a comfort upgrade

When it comes to being comfortable during intimacy, flow always feels better than friction. If your body hasn’t caught up to where you want to be in terms of natural lubrication (which can be due to all sorts of factors outside of your control like ageing, medication, and so on), don’t be afraid to add a generous drizzle of lubricant to reduce friction, boost comfort, and make getting into the swing of things just that little bit easier for yourself.

Soak away your stress in the shower or bathtub

Washing away a long day in perfectly warm water can do wonders for both the body and the mind. You can take this opportunity to slowly lather yourself or a partner up, feeling every inch of skin become wet and smooth under the bubbles and water…

Hot tip: light some candles and indulge in a sultry, romantic ambience instead of feeling vulnerable and exposed under the harsh, unflattering glare of the big light directly overhead.

Play a short game or use prompts

If the thought of having to think about intimacy feels like more than you can handle right now, there’s no shame in breaking out a couples game that guides you through some ready-made prompts and takes the mental load off! You can go for something as simple as love dice that dictate a sexy action and a body part to do it to, or something more intense that’s full of kinky suggestions that give you plenty of foreplay ideas when exhausted.

If stress is constant: habits that help over a week or more (not just tonight)

Reduce decision fatigue

Feeling overwhelmed at the thought of intimacy? It could be because you are mentally overwhelmed by all the choices, tiny acts of labour, and thinking you’re doing in your everyday life. Try creating routines, automating, or limiting the number of available options you have when it comes to everyday, mundane things like meals, outfits, and exercise regimes as this will reduce the number of choices you have to make every day. You can also plan ahead of time to reduce in-the-moment decisions and make important, complex decisions in the morning when you have the most mental energy.

Plan a window, not a mood

If you’re waiting to be in the mood for intimacy, you may find yourself waiting longer than you (and your partner) were hoping. Instead, consider scheduling intimacy into your calendar or setting a day of the week as the time you want it to happen so you can see it coming up in your calendar and plan reliably around it.

Protect sleep + recovery without guilt

It may be boring advice you’ve heard a thousand times at this stage, but it holds true: prioritise your own recovery, which can include turning down plans and delegating responsibilities to another person who can help out so you can carve out time for yourself. It’s also well worth making an effort to get 8 hours of sleep a night and try to rest meaningfully (which means putting your phone away at least an hour before bed) so you can wake up as refreshed as possible and give yourself the best chance of not succumbing to stress, fatigue, and the low libido that comes with them.

The opening song to F.R.I.E.N.D.S. doesn’t have to right, and your love life doesn’t have to be DOA. For more ideas on how to relax for sex or squeeze in some intimacy when busy, the Sexyland Fun Specialists are here to help. Visit us at our adult stores, chat to us online, or shop our range of fun and easy sex toys, stimulants for men and women, and other adult goodies to boost arousal when stressed or tired.