How to Ask for What You Want in Bed: 9 Non-Awkward Scripts

If you’re someone who struggles to express sexual needs or set boundaries in bed, these intimacy communication tips can help you solve the awkwardness and the mystery of how to talk about sex with your partner so you can enjoy the intimate love life you both deserve.

Why asking for what you want feels awkward (and why it’s normal)

It can feel awkward to ask for what you want because doing so requires you to admit that there is something you want that you don’t currently have or aren’t getting. For some people (especially if you’re nervous or shy), not only does this make them feel vulnerable, it might feel like a confrontational thing for the asker to admit and the answerer to hear. This can contribute to feeling embarrassed or exposed for a variety of reasons, including:

Fear of rejection

You might be afraid to hear your partner say ‘no’ to a request, which may discourage you from ever asking in the first place, but the thing is, you’re never going to get what you don’t ask for, or what you don’t let your partner know you need.

If you’re afraid that you’ll seem ‘needy’ or ‘selfish’, or even that you’re being a burden and imposing on your partner with your request, remind yourself that your partner cares about you and wants to fulfil your needs to make you happy! Trust that they are capable of having a meaningful conversation about this with you without making negative assumptions, talking over you or dismissing your needs, or judging you for having those needs in the first place. Even if they think your request is unreasonable/asking for too much, an emotionally mature partner would at least try to communicate why they felt this way and make an effort to reach a compromise with you.

(And if you don’t get that vibe from your partner, it might be worth asking yourself if they’re really the right person for you.)

Fear of ‘ruining the mood’

When you and your partner discuss your desires, limits, turn-ons and turn-offs, this shouldn’t be seen as a ‘mood-killer’—intimate conversations like this build trust between partners and contribute to better sex since you know what the other person is into and what they’re not into! It should feel exciting to learn what makes the other person tick and talk openly about your wants and needs so you can satisfy them to the best of your abilities. After all, nothing boosts anticipation like telling your partner exactly what you’re looking forward to experiencing with them…

Not knowing the words to accurately describe your desires

Nobody wants to appear like they don’t know what they’re doing in the bedroom, or that they don’t know themselves well enough to know somebody else. It can also seem too embarrassing to half-express a need for something but then be unable to articulate it, leaving you feeling exposed, your partner confused, and both of you underwhelmed.

That’s why it can be so helpful to have a back-and-forth with your partner as this will help you arrive at a conclusion that both of you understand. Try focusing on the category of what you want to change and talking it out from there. Is it a different sex position you’ve been curious about trying? A new kink you want to explore? A feeling you’re chasing? Use a mixture of closed- and open-ended questions (questions where the answers are limited to multiple-choice or number rating scales vs questions that require more than a yes/no answer) to help the conversation feel dynamic and less like a test or interrogation.

You can also try doing some wider reading on what intimacy has to offer over broader areas, such as BDSM, ethical non-monogamy and other non-duoistic relationship structures, different sex positions, roleplay, and more to gain more knowledge of what you really want. Articles written by relationship experts, sexologists, couples therapists, and so on are a great place to start.

The golden rule: consent + kindness + clarity

Consent check-ins can be simple & sexy

At its most basic level, informed consent involves partners freely and voluntarily agreeing to a sexual act with full understanding of what that act involves, including if you’re planning (or not planning) to use contraception. Consent should be enthusiastically given and updated if the act changes or goes further (for example, consenting to kissing does not necessarily mean you consent to having your clothes removed). Participation should also be active and enthusiastic (passionately returning a kiss, removing your own clothes as your partner removes theirs or mutually undressing each other, etc.), not just performed out of feelings of obligation or ‘put up with’. Everyone needs to be coherent and capable of giving consent throughout the entire act (e.g. not intoxicated, incapacitated, or unconscious due to alcohol or drugs), and anyone can withdraw consent at any time for any reason—people are allowed to change their minds or ask to take a break/stop without fear of negative consequences.

If at any time your partner seems hesitant or unsure (even if they’ve already said ‘yes’), follow up with them immediately and ask if they’re sure and how they’re feeling. Reassure them that they can take their time to answer, that their answer will be respected no matter what, and that there is nothing wrong with them saying they don’t want to do something.

Consent is important, and asking for it should never be a ‘buzzkill’. If you’re wondering how to ask for consent without awkwardness, here are some direct ways to ask that give your partner control of the situation and invite them to have their say on where they want things to lead:

• “I’d really like to _________, is that okay?”
• “How would you feel if I…”
• “What are you comfortable with?”
• “Can I kiss/touch you here?”
• “Would you like me to take this off?”

Consent isn't just required at the start of a sexual encounter, it's an ongoing element that should be re-established throughout, especially as the sex evolves into something new. You can ensure that your partner is still enthusiastic about what’s happening by asking things like:

• “Does this still feel good for you or do you want me to stop?”
• “(Do you want) More?”
• “How does that feel?”
• “You’re allowed to say the safeword at any time, do you want to use it?”
• “Is there anything you want me to change or do differently?”

How to be kind when asking for something different

As a general rule of thumb, share turn-ons, not complaints, as this will keep the mood light, fun, and sexy!

Instead of pointing out what you don’t like, focus on what your partner is doing that turns you on and that you want more of. When you use positive reinforcement and praise your partner, this makes it less likely that your partner will feel as though they’re being criticised, give up hope because they think they’re ‘doing a bad job’, or take it personally if/when you have new requests. 

What being ‘clear’ sounds like

In terms of consent, being clear involves freely and voluntarily giving an enthusiastic, affirmative answer (“Yes”, “Yes please”, “I’d love that”, etc.) without being coerced into it.

When asking for something during sex, being clear can involve guiding your partner with instructions of what you want them to do, or asking them to focus on specific parts of your body. They can then demonstrate what they think you’ve asked them to do and ask, “Like this?”, and you can give further feedback from there.

When is the best time to bring it up—before, during, or after sex?

The best time to express sexual needs and set boundaries in bed is before sex happens so that way, everyone goes into their next sexual encounter with a better idea of what to expect, what their partner expects, and also what not to expect if there are any soft or hard limits. If you struggle with how to talk about sex with your partner, it helps to bring it up in casual, pressure-free environments, (such as when you’re doing chores together or going on a walk) that normalise talking about sex so you both see it as a healthy, routine part of your relationship rather than a taboo topic to avoid—this will also make it easier to talk about any changes you want to make to your sexual activity in future.

The easiest option for nervous or shy people: outside the bedroom

Everybody is different, but for some people, discussing sex while sex is happening can make them feel like they’ve been ‘put on the spot’ or that the stakes are higher than they were prepared for. This perceived pressure level can lead to increased performance anxiety, which interferes with the pleasure and connection that sex is supposed to be about. It may feel less awkward or confrontational to have the talk in a low-stakes, non-sexual environment, preferably one where there’s no time constraints so you can both talk without feeling rushed.

How post-sex conversation can deepen your connection

Discussing sex with your partner after it’s happened is an important part of aftercare that can be helpful in building emotional connection, increasing intimacy, and improving future sexual experiences!

Highlight what parts of the experience felt good, express appreciation and admiration for your partner, and, if necessary, gently address areas of improvement later into the cuddle sesh (or even after you’ve gotten redressed) when you’re both feeling less vulnerable and raw.

You can also use this time to ask open-ended questions about what your partner enjoyed or what you can improve on/do differently to enhance future intimacy. This can help the discussion feel more like a two-way conversation where all parties acknowledge that everyone plays a role in satisfying the other person and that everyone’s pleasure matters, rather than a one-sided interrogation.

If you do it during: use gentle cues

If you ask for something new in the heat of the moment, consider how drastically your request will change the path you’re already on and if your partner would be receptive to that level of change. If you only need a small adjustment to the action, use smaller indicators that gently nudge your partner towards what you want from them, such as verbal cues that direct the experience (e.g. “keep going”, “just like that”), moans, or physically guiding their body/moving your own body into a more suitable position.

Whenever you decide to engage in sexual communication with your partner, remember to keep things positive and affectionate to help your partner feel valued and reinforce your emotional connection.

9 non-awkward scripts you can steal

• “I love when you…” + one request
• “Can we try…”
• “I want more of…”
• Describe what you want to happen next, then ask “Does that sound good to you?”
• "Remember that time we (describe a past sex act you enjoyed)? That was really hot, I’d love it if we could do that again!”
• “I know you like (describe what your partner likes), so I think you’d also really enjoy (describe something similar that you want). Wanna try it?”
• “Y’know what would really take this to the next level?” + one request
• “I’ve always been curious about how (your request) would feel. Do you wanna help me find out?”
• “I can’t stop thinking about (an enjoyable past sex act or a new request)...”

If you need inspiration on new things to ask for in bed, Sexyland has got it all, from adult toys to sexy lingerie and kinky fetish gear. Pop into one of our adult stores and chat to our friendly Fun Specialists, or visit Sexyland’s online store and get 2-hour delivery on selected bestsellers so neither of you have to wait long between the conversation and the action!